Saturday, September 02, 2006

True Confessions










I have three confessions to make . . .

1. I was in Les Schwab buying new tires late on Friday and there was a past issue of In Touch Weekly magazine there that someone had left behind. I took it.

2. I took it, at least in part, because Jessica Simpson was on the cover. So sue me.

3. I actually read most of the magazine.

OH MY GOODNESS! What an incredibly bad publication! Not only is the content amazingly lame, the writing is worse than what one would find in a junior high school newspaper. Among the critical pieces of news I found were . . .

Jessica Simpson recently wore the same black dress that she wore in 2000, but they point out that she “looks even better!” now. (Exclamation point included. In Touch uses a lot of exclamation points.)

Angelina Jolie’s ex-husband rides a motorcycle and so does Brad Pitt! Can you believe it?

Madonna insists that her concert clothes must be washed in vodka, because it’s good for getting sweat stains out.

Rob Schneider, star of such film classics as Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo and The Hot Chick, said, “I, Rob Schneider, a half-Jew, pledge from this day forward to never work with Mel Gibson.” (Yeah, like that’s gonna really impede Gibson’s future projects. I can see Mel asking, “Rob who? Is that the kid who was on Silver Spoons? Oh, that's Ricky Schroeder. Whatever. Pass me some Evian with lemon. Make it a double.")




There was also a side-by-side comparison of Britney Spears' husband Kevin Federline (K-Fed) and her former boyfriend Justin Timberlake which included grainy photos with breathless captions such as:

  • “Kevin’s been known to bowl.”
  • “Justin’s also been seen bowling.”
  • “Kevin’s cute in a white skullcap.”
  • “Justin has worn one, too.”

In Touch's subscribers must read at the third grade level. Yeah, it was time well spent . . . not. And confession is good for the soul.

2 comments:

Dusty Penguin said...

Um...I read that issue too. That's the available reading material where I work!

Palmer said...

It is really pathetic how much time we all devote to celebrity-watching in this day and age. But I still hope that Jessica and Nick get back together.